Dear stupid, drunk, stoned and/or paranoid people

[kierthos]

Stay the fuck out of my store.

1) Stupid: nuuuuuuuurrrrrr.... I waited until the day before I needed these 42 different files printed out, so I can sign one page on each file, then hand them back to you so you can make copies of them. nuuuuuuuuurrrrrr.... the person e-mailing the files has been trying to send them for 7 hours. (Here's a hint, asshole. Next time, have them courier a CD to you the day before. Or drive down. It's a 3-4 hour trip, and you wouldn't have been spazzing out every five minutes for the three hours you were here.)

2) Drunk/Stoned: Dude, do you sell cigarettes/rolling papers/beer here? (Hey! Clueless fuck! This is a copy center. The Shell station is around the corner, you fucking jackass.)

3) Paranoid: This was a new one for me. Luckily, this was all on the phone.

Customer: If I send a fax from here, will they be able to tell who it's from?
Me: Well, if you fill out a cover sheet....
Customer: No, I don't want them to know who it's from.
Me: Ooookay. Is your name on it?
Customer: No.
Me: Anything that could identify you? Your address, social security number, things like that?
Customer: No.
Me: Do you care if they know it came from a Kinko's?
Customer: What do you mean?
Me: It's going to have our fax number on it when they get it. There's no way around that.
Customer: Oh, that's fine.
Me: Anything else?
Customer: Washington, DC is long distance, right?
Me: ........ yes.

(Oh good. An anonymous fax to DC. I just wonder what this could be.)

Comments

[egearman.livejournal.com]

Hojo talk to you about an order when he got in? If not, you are going to want to call him.

[kierthos.livejournal.com]

Yeah, he did.

What's going on is one of the other stores sent us an order, only they didn't share it like they're supposed to, so it's entered in to our system like we should be paid for it. Only the customer doesn't pay us, they think they're going to pay at the other store.

In other words, it's a cluster-fuck.

[gothiqroze.livejournal.com]

that was my cousin Akhmed. Don't worry, the Lebanese ones resort to food. "Give me the President or I'll stuff you with Baklava" or something. :)

[kierthos.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I don't have nearly the problem understanding or helping the foreign exchange students as I do the home-grown customers. I mean, at least if the guy from Pakistan doesn't know the word lamination, he can at least tell me what he wants. (As opposed to the guy who wanted a lamination but said he wanted a transparency.)

[gothiqroze.livejournal.com]

oh, that's just American idiots for you. Saying big words makes them sound smart, even if totally inappropriate to their needs. What he should have said was "lobotomy"

[egearman.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, they never indicate which is their dominant eye, so he's unwilling to use the brain spoon without that knowledge.

[gothiqroze.livejournal.com]

LOL!! Just spork it. Geek style, srsly.

[egearman.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, sporks have been forbidden at Kinko's since the Meatloaf Incident of 2004. Not to be confused with the Salisbury Steak Incident of 2002.

[copper-fingers.livejournal.com]

Sell the stoned guy the glossy colour photocopy paper and tell him it's a 'new' type of paper that gets you more stoned when you roll your blunt with it ;-)

[kierthos.livejournal.com]

No, see, then he'd either come back to complain that it didn't, or come back to buy more, and the less I deal with the stoners that are particular to the USC campus, the better.

[voltronscandide.livejournal.com]

You mean all the employees aren't stoned too? My, my, my... Kinko's sure has changed...

[kierthos.livejournal.com]

Dude, it's a South Carolina FEK. Several of the employees talk about getting drunk after work, but to my knowledge, we don't have anyone who gets swacked on the wacky weed on a regular basis. And yeah, that includes me. (Actually, I don't drink either.)

[voltronscandide.livejournal.com]

I guess that would be a world away from Seattle in the 90's...

[voltronscandide.livejournal.com]

By which I mean it was a lot like...

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1985042

[kierthos.livejournal.com]

That's not my favorite Chapelle Show sketch, but it's funny. (My favorite would have to either be the Racial Draft or Player Hater of the Year sketch)

What I would have loved to see at the time was the other side of things... you know, a comedic sketch showing the customers being completely insane.