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Phone problem resolved. (maybe)
Okay, so the battery is holding a charge now, and I've been reminded how to turn it back if it goes from completely dead to charged (look, I threw away the manual, okay?), so we'll see.
On the plus side, if I do have to get a new phone (because not even Wal-Mart carries the fucking batteries), I have a $150 credit towards a new phone provided I meet certain other criteria.
On the plus side, if I do have to get a new phone (because not even Wal-Mart carries the fucking batteries), I have a $150 credit towards a new phone provided I meet certain other criteria.