A rant, in rhyme

[kierthos]

On the subject of Keanu Reeves playing John Constantine:

You cannot act, you little git,
You cannot act, one little bit.
Your acting wooden, your delivery archaic,
Your characters really quite prosaic.

From Speed to Matrix to Bill and Ted,
Your lines the same, how strange,
Your characters inside seem dead,
From film to film, your lines you rearrange.

"Whoa!" "Dude", this is your goal?
And you think to play a Brit?
Whoever cast you in this role,
Quite frankly, is full of shit.

I will not watch Constantine,
No, not even if it were free,
Better that it go unseen,
At, least, it's better for me.

I urge you all not to go,
Spend your money on another flick,
For if my advice you forego,
This film will no doubt make you sick.

Comments

[kierthos.livejournal.com]

Constantine is the last name of the main character, John Constantine. The comic this movie is (loosely) based on is called Hellblazer.

Constantine is a mid 40's British mage who drinks too much and chain-smokes, and those are his good qualities.

The comic has Constantine routinely solving or causing (and then solving) magical problems, including, but not limited to demonic possession, the ongoing war between Heaven and Hell, the Sidhe, mythological gods, and, oh yes, expurgating his soul of all evil (creating the Constantine demon in the process).

Needless to say, my personal belief is that Keanu Reeves is as far from the right choice as possible without having a black woman play the part.

Now, if Gary Oldman could have been cast in the role....

Hear hear

[karohemd.livejournal.com]

Now, if Gary Oldman could have been cast in the role....

Indeed.