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No, not you, gentle reader. I am talking about morons.
Whoever said "Ignorance is bliss." obviously never worked with customers. Anyone in technical support for more then a day, anyone who has ever had to dispense a solution via a phone, anyone who has ever worked a night shift in Kinko's (wait, that one is me) knows what I'm talking about.
More rules:
1) If you absolutely have to call someone to ask them questions, it speeds things up greatly if the person who places the call is the one who knows what the questions are. I have no desire to hear everything I ask you or tell you repeated to some jackass so lazy they can't get on the goddamn phone.
2) A $20 bill is not appropriate payment for anything less then a dollar. I can only make change for so many jackasses who can't manage to hit a bank but can manage to waste time at an ATM before I run out of all change. And then it doesn't matter what legal tender you have. Likewise, don't pay with more pennies then you absolutely need to.
3) Just because you can read my name on my nametag does not mean we're friends, relatives, bosum buddies, or fellow goddamn travelers on Starship Earth. You are a customer. I am here to help you, but there are limits to my patience, and only three people in the entire fucking world have the right to call me "brother Patrick". (Exception: any of the good looking strippers who come in can be friends with me. Honest.)
4) If you don't know what I'm doing, don't tell me I'm doing it wrong. I loathe being interrupted by people who saw another co-worker do something slightly differently or in a different method and acheive the same result. If you knew how to do it, I damn well wouldn't be doing it for you, right?
5) Don't answer my questions with stupid questions or responses. If you don't know what price something is, or what paper you want something run on, that's not stupid. Asking "Can you help me?" when I say "Can I help you?" is fucking stupid. You're already showing that you're not listening to me.
6) Don't complain about the prices. Or complain about the prices, but realize that if I change any of the pricing, it will be my choice, not yours. It's a business. We're supposed to make money. If you can't understand that, the university has several courses on economics. Likewise, don't tell me it's cheaper at Staples. You're not at Staples. You're here. And if you're talking to me, you're here when Staples is fucking closed. If you can't grasp that fact, I heartily reccommend hanging out in the Staples parking lot until they open, in several hours.
7) Don't make a mess. Rather, don't leave a mess. Some projects will be somewhat messy, I understand that. But put the lid back on the jar of liquid cement. Pick up the large pieces of garbage you create. Let me know if there is a mess that you need help with, rather then walking out the damned door without saying anything. And woe be unto the motherfucker who smears a gluestick along the counter. When I find you, asshole, there will be Hell to pay.
That's all for now. Got to get back to work and not eating lunch.
Whoever said "Ignorance is bliss." obviously never worked with customers. Anyone in technical support for more then a day, anyone who has ever had to dispense a solution via a phone, anyone who has ever worked a night shift in Kinko's (wait, that one is me) knows what I'm talking about.
More rules:
1) If you absolutely have to call someone to ask them questions, it speeds things up greatly if the person who places the call is the one who knows what the questions are. I have no desire to hear everything I ask you or tell you repeated to some jackass so lazy they can't get on the goddamn phone.
2) A $20 bill is not appropriate payment for anything less then a dollar. I can only make change for so many jackasses who can't manage to hit a bank but can manage to waste time at an ATM before I run out of all change. And then it doesn't matter what legal tender you have. Likewise, don't pay with more pennies then you absolutely need to.
3) Just because you can read my name on my nametag does not mean we're friends, relatives, bosum buddies, or fellow goddamn travelers on Starship Earth. You are a customer. I am here to help you, but there are limits to my patience, and only three people in the entire fucking world have the right to call me "brother Patrick". (Exception: any of the good looking strippers who come in can be friends with me. Honest.)
4) If you don't know what I'm doing, don't tell me I'm doing it wrong. I loathe being interrupted by people who saw another co-worker do something slightly differently or in a different method and acheive the same result. If you knew how to do it, I damn well wouldn't be doing it for you, right?
5) Don't answer my questions with stupid questions or responses. If you don't know what price something is, or what paper you want something run on, that's not stupid. Asking "Can you help me?" when I say "Can I help you?" is fucking stupid. You're already showing that you're not listening to me.
6) Don't complain about the prices. Or complain about the prices, but realize that if I change any of the pricing, it will be my choice, not yours. It's a business. We're supposed to make money. If you can't understand that, the university has several courses on economics. Likewise, don't tell me it's cheaper at Staples. You're not at Staples. You're here. And if you're talking to me, you're here when Staples is fucking closed. If you can't grasp that fact, I heartily reccommend hanging out in the Staples parking lot until they open, in several hours.
7) Don't make a mess. Rather, don't leave a mess. Some projects will be somewhat messy, I understand that. But put the lid back on the jar of liquid cement. Pick up the large pieces of garbage you create. Let me know if there is a mess that you need help with, rather then walking out the damned door without saying anything. And woe be unto the motherfucker who smears a gluestick along the counter. When I find you, asshole, there will be Hell to pay.
That's all for now. Got to get back to work and not eating lunch.