Rantings of a Bastard

fiction

Sun, 11 May 2014 22:00:18 GMT

I was on my third (fifth? Definitely a prime number, I wasn't that far gone) Scotch of the evening; Cheryl was still nursing her first.

"Magic is like painting, anyone can do it."

She half-glared at me. "Right."

"No, really, what's so difficult about it? Apply paint to brush, apply brush to canvas. Voila, you're painting."

"There's more to it than that." Did I mention that Cheryl paints? Good enough for some of the local galleries, so naturally, she's assuming I'm taking the piss at her expense. I turned to look at her.

"Yes there is, and no there isn't, Cheryl." I grinned a bit. "Anyone can paint. It takes practice, skill and skill to paint well. It takes imagination to be good at it."

"Take that painting you showed me the other day. The one with the ravens... Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but that's not normally your thing, is it?"

She frowned, "No, it's not. I'm not really sure why I painted that. I just did. I'd been planning on doing something in that crap commercial style that sells well in the 5th street gallery. But I found myself painting that instead."

"See? Imagination. It doesn't always come from our conscious mind. Hell, I could barely paint a straight line, and even if I had the skill, I don't think I could have produced what you did." I had to be careful here. The painting was hanging a room away, and you never know who's listening, but I had to get to the bottom of this before...

Let's just say before something bad happened. Before Cheryl painted what comes after the ravens.
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Author's note: Nope, no fucking clue where this came from. And I don't think I want to know what comes after the ravens.

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riiiiight

Thu, 27 Mar 2014 12:04:54 GMT

Chris Christie expects that the people he's paid to see if he did anything wrong are going to exonerate him. Funny how that works, huh?

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the fuck?

Thu, 20 Mar 2014 23:53:52 GMT

Alabama has passed a medical marijuana bill.

I would have bet money that they'd be one of the last states to do so.

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nifty

Wed, 12 Mar 2014 03:53:30 GMT

The Mystery Soda Machine of Seattle, Washington.

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Tue, 11 Mar 2014 23:08:22 GMT

Assuming nothing changes between now and then, by late Thursday afternoon, I will have a car.

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I... what?

Sun, 09 Mar 2014 18:56:43 GMT

So, the Ukraine is going to shit, and Rand Paul (who won the coveted "doesn't mean a fucking thing" CPAC straw poll) thinks in response we should drill for oil everywhere we can in the U.S.

Yes, his foreign policy is to drill for more oil here.

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What

Tue, 04 Mar 2014 13:30:31 GMT

George Will claims that LGBT are being 'sore winners' over Arizona's "discrimination masked as religious freedom" bill.

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Always remember this

Wed, 26 Feb 2014 13:00:20 GMT

Conservatives protect our religious freedom, as long as you don't choose to be free from religion.

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Damn

Wed, 26 Feb 2014 00:20:09 GMT

So what does it say about that Arizona bill that would legalize discrimination based on religious beliefs that even Mitt Romney thinks it should be vetoed?

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Hello Darwin Award

Wed, 26 Feb 2014 00:16:03 GMT

Gun safety is your friend.

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Work that job security!

Mon, 24 Feb 2014 13:15:54 GMT

Clarence Thomas has now gone eight years without asking a question during oral arguments.

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This just in

Fri, 21 Feb 2014 01:12:48 GMT

Arizona state Senate Republicans are insane.

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ooookay

Wed, 19 Feb 2014 05:01:17 GMT

Utah Republican thinks we could go with twice as much CO2 in the air as we have now.

I'm torn on this one. It's either because he's the walking dead (seriously, look at that picture of him), or because the increased CO2 is what is required by his alien species (no, seriously, look at that picture of him.)

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Is anyone surprised?

Mon, 17 Feb 2014 02:52:50 GMT

Snake handling preacher dies of snakebite... after refusing treatment.

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'kay

Sat, 15 Feb 2014 04:01:43 GMT

We had an earthquake. Little baby one, only a 4.4

I have to say, I didn't know it was an earthquake at first... I thought it was just the asshole upstairs moving more shit around in the middle of the damn night.

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Because the system isn't weighted towards them enough as it is

Fri, 14 Feb 2014 12:59:32 GMT

Tom Perkins (yeah, that asshole) has suggested that the very rich should get more votes than other people. He's possibly not joking.

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In the dictionary, under hypocrite

Thu, 13 Feb 2014 20:30:14 GMT

Dean Heller (R-NV) didn't think that Ted Cruz should filibuster the debt ceiling bill, before Heller himself went on to filibuster the debt ceiling bill.

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He's not clear on the subject

Wed, 12 Feb 2014 14:02:02 GMT

Republican (because who else?) politician believes that Obamacare shouldn't provide reproductive coverage because he and his wife are 'fixed'.

Under that logic, because he's got his head up his ass, Obamacare should completely cover colonoscopies.

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oookay

Wed, 12 Feb 2014 05:13:21 GMT

Catholic hospital receptionist tells couple that atheists shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.

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daaaaaaamn

Tue, 11 Feb 2014 00:10:25 GMT

In what is sure to be that organization's biggest health and safety violation, the "Spring 2014 class" of Achmed's School of Suicide Bombers has 'let out early'.

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sigh

Mon, 10 Feb 2014 03:42:18 GMT

Stay classy, Republicans.

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So...

Sun, 09 Feb 2014 17:05:40 GMT

Recently, on Facebook, I saw a carefully crafted image macro explaining that, no, the U.S. is not a theocracy.

And that's technically correct. We only have 'In God We Trust' on all our paper money, we have 'Under God' in the Pledge of Allegiance, and there are laws in seven states (unconstitutional laws, mind you) saying that you cannot hold public office in those states unless you believe in God.

But we are not a theocracy.

But we do have plenty of would-be theocrats. Like this lady from Michigan, who's running for a seat in the Republican National Committee, who thinks all gays should be expelled from the Republican party, and that homosexuality is of Satan.

Yeah.

You know, at this point, I'm not sure why there would still be any gay people in the Republican party, considering how most of the Republican politicians are treating them.

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Well, at least they're honest about it

Fri, 07 Feb 2014 00:38:09 GMT

Russian officials claim that the hotels that journalists are staying in aren't nearly as bad as the journalists say. They know this, because they are spying on the journalists.

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uh huh

Wed, 05 Feb 2014 13:14:00 GMT

The IOC President, Thomas Bach, is pissed that some world leaders are using the Sochi Olympics as a 'political platform'.

Yeah, because this Olympics is the first time that's ever happened.

Dear Mr. Bach: Go fuck yourself.

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Well, damn...

Wed, 05 Feb 2014 13:07:29 GMT

CVS is going to stop selling tobacco products.

That's going to cost them some business.

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