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And now, a look at the morons infesting Kinko's...
This is rather lengthy, so my trusty manservant Paco will bring forth the LJ cut.
Oh, by the way, I actually know someone who uses the name Paco in real life, so this has absolutely nothing to do with that cult of Paco wackage.
Attend readers young and old! Come forth and hear what sorts of morons infest a Kinko's. By no means are all the inhabitants herein of the sub-species Homo Sapiens-just barely, but many are.
1) Moron Non-Understandus: M. Non-Understandus is fully fluent in English, however, their skills in grasping the spoken words of others is sorely lacking. They are characterized by asking the same question repeatedly (and receiving the same answer) because their barely functional frontal lobes do not allow for the rentention of auditory input.
Sample phrases include:
"What do you mean, the colour machine is broken?"
"I didn't say I wanted it printed double sided. I said I wanted it printed on both sides."
"Huh?"
Recommendation: Termination of sub-species whenever possible. In no circumstances, let them breed with M. Non-Comprehendus (see below).
2) Moron Non-Comprehendus: M. Non-Comprehendus is from the same root stock as M. Non-Understandus, and the two sub-species do tend to exist in the same ecology, competing for food and resources. Where M. Non-Understandus cannot grasp words spoken to them, M. Non-Comprehendus cannot make their own statement with any clarity whatsoever. They seem to be able to understand English with no problems, but are prone to speaking sentences that either do not parse, make no sense even if correct nomenclature is used, or invent new words for temporary use that make absolutely no sense. Intially diagnosed as aphasia, this has since been recognized as a seperate sub-species.
Sample phrases include:
"I need twenty columngated copies."
"The front side needs to be on orange paper, and the back side needs to be on purple paper."
"Phar Glazy neek tro!"
Recommendations: Termination of sub-species whenever possible. In no circumstances, let them breed with M. Non-Understandus. While not tested under laboratory conditions, it is theorized that the offspring would be unable to speak or comprehend English properly and would still insist on coming into Kinko's to place orders.
3) Moron Faux-Technician: M. Faux-Technician suffers from what initially believe to be a mental disorder akin to a superiority complex, but has since been determined to be a sub-species of Homo Sapiens-Handyman. Unfortunately, the genetic traits of S. Handyman did not breed true, and this particular sub-species believes that it can fix any problem with any of the copiers, even though they can't.
Sample phrases include:
"Your copier jammed, but I fixed it. By the way, it's putting these funny lines across the paper now."
"Your copier jammed, but I fixed it. By the way, it's smoking a bit now."
"I tried to fix your laminator, but there's something jammed in it pretty good. I think it's these wires coming out of the machine here."
Recommendation: Under no circumstances, let M. Faux-Technician near any machines in the store. More extreme measures include cutting off their hands.
More varieties will be presented in a later paper.
Oh, by the way, I actually know someone who uses the name Paco in real life, so this has absolutely nothing to do with that cult of Paco wackage.
Attend readers young and old! Come forth and hear what sorts of morons infest a Kinko's. By no means are all the inhabitants herein of the sub-species Homo Sapiens-just barely, but many are.
1) Moron Non-Understandus: M. Non-Understandus is fully fluent in English, however, their skills in grasping the spoken words of others is sorely lacking. They are characterized by asking the same question repeatedly (and receiving the same answer) because their barely functional frontal lobes do not allow for the rentention of auditory input.
Sample phrases include:
"What do you mean, the colour machine is broken?"
"I didn't say I wanted it printed double sided. I said I wanted it printed on both sides."
"Huh?"
Recommendation: Termination of sub-species whenever possible. In no circumstances, let them breed with M. Non-Comprehendus (see below).
2) Moron Non-Comprehendus: M. Non-Comprehendus is from the same root stock as M. Non-Understandus, and the two sub-species do tend to exist in the same ecology, competing for food and resources. Where M. Non-Understandus cannot grasp words spoken to them, M. Non-Comprehendus cannot make their own statement with any clarity whatsoever. They seem to be able to understand English with no problems, but are prone to speaking sentences that either do not parse, make no sense even if correct nomenclature is used, or invent new words for temporary use that make absolutely no sense. Intially diagnosed as aphasia, this has since been recognized as a seperate sub-species.
Sample phrases include:
"I need twenty columngated copies."
"The front side needs to be on orange paper, and the back side needs to be on purple paper."
"Phar Glazy neek tro!"
Recommendations: Termination of sub-species whenever possible. In no circumstances, let them breed with M. Non-Understandus. While not tested under laboratory conditions, it is theorized that the offspring would be unable to speak or comprehend English properly and would still insist on coming into Kinko's to place orders.
3) Moron Faux-Technician: M. Faux-Technician suffers from what initially believe to be a mental disorder akin to a superiority complex, but has since been determined to be a sub-species of Homo Sapiens-Handyman. Unfortunately, the genetic traits of S. Handyman did not breed true, and this particular sub-species believes that it can fix any problem with any of the copiers, even though they can't.
Sample phrases include:
"Your copier jammed, but I fixed it. By the way, it's putting these funny lines across the paper now."
"Your copier jammed, but I fixed it. By the way, it's smoking a bit now."
"I tried to fix your laminator, but there's something jammed in it pretty good. I think it's these wires coming out of the machine here."
Recommendation: Under no circumstances, let M. Faux-Technician near any machines in the store. More extreme measures include cutting off their hands.
More varieties will be presented in a later paper.