You know what? Fuck it.

People in Iowa are just at good as counting as people in Florida.

In his ongoing effort to seem important

Pat Robertson claims that God has shown him that the next President is... he's not saying.

God wants him to be a big tease, apparently. God also told him to continue being a giant cockwart.

Riiiight

Rick Santorum has called himself a "Jesus candidate".

Shockingly, he doesn't mean that voters look at him, facepalm and say "Jesus."

But hey, maybe we can nail his ass to a cross and have a Roman soldier stab him with a spear.