[rant] Anne Rice finds Jesus, writes book about Him

Now, I'm the last person who should be telling anyone what they can and cannot (or should and should not) write about. Most of my fiction doesn't get past several paragraphs, and some of it, quite frankly, is crap. Maybe even most of it.

And I have no problem with Anne Rice becoming a born-again Christian. Really, I don't. Mostly it's because she lives on the other side of the country, so the odds of her showing up on my doorstep at 7 in the morning, to proselytize and attempt to convert me are remarkably low. Plus, I try not to shit on people who are trying to find their spiritual paths. (I try. I don't always succeed in not shitting on them, but I try.)

However.

A book? About seven year-old Jesus? Oy vey...

Frankly, Anne Rice is the wrong author to even be attempting this. Of course, she's not alone in being the wrong author. Dan Brown would turn it into a biblical conspiracy. Dean R. Koontz would somehow add a distaste of computers. With Anne Rice, I predict a sobbing-Goth Jesus and lots of buttsex. I mean, let's face it, she doesn't exactly have the greatest track record for novels that reinforce Christian ideals. Or novels that don't suck, for that matter.

I'll admit, I like the first three novels in the Vampire series. Interview with a Vampire was a pretty good read, and so was The Vampire Lestat. Queen of the Damned seemed a little forced at points, but worked. The Tale of the Body Thief sucked donkey balls, (thank you, Anne Rice. I really didn't need a multi-page description of what it was like for Lestat to learn to go to the can again, but hey, you know your fans, and apparently they want feces) and it got worse from there.

And now she's wanting to write about Jesus. Jesus does not deserve this.

You know, I'd like to think that if Jesus existed (I believe he did, but your mileage may vary), that he had a fairly normal childhood. Well, as normal as a childhood you can have when the other kids in the neighborhood know that you're what amounts to God's bastard offspring. (I never said I was a nice Christian....) I mean, kids can be cruel, and I don't doubt they were just as cruel then as they are now. Instead of showing off new $200 sneakers or iPods, it was whoever had the nicest tunic, or whatever. And you can bet that Jesus' family background caught him some grief from the other kids on the block.

But do we really need a book about it? If we do, does it need to be from Anne Rice?

So, no, I won't be buying it. I suspect a lot of the hardcore Anne Rice fans will buy it, to try and find the hidden vampire symbolism in it (and possibly even in their deluded little minds, they will succeed). I have to wonder if she'll take the time to scream at her fans' reviews this go around. That, quite probably, would be a far more interesting read.

mwa-ha-ha-ha

So, apparently, at some point today, Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald will be handing out what might be the only, but are far more likely to be just the first set of indictments in his two-year investigation over who leaked that Victoria Plame was a CIA agent. Even if it isn't today, it will be by Friday, as that is when the empanelment of the grand jury in this matter expires.

I can only imagine the pucker-factor in the White House is high.